'I get beanbeans?'

So, we're potty training. Again.

This is one of my least favorite tasks in child rearing. It involves brainwashing a small, strong-willed person that the way they've been doing things for years is now unacceptable, and that sitting on a large (to them) suction device is the way to go. Literally.

It bites.

Our first put us through 18 months of battling, screaming, pleading hell. I still have nightmares about potty training that child.

The second was a breeze. I took away his diapers about two weeks into changing two kids' diapers, and never looked back. He bought into the whole concept within a weekend. I marvel at how easy that was.

The last one is somewhere between the two. For weeks, we've heard "I cawn't doooooo it!" plaintively said while perched on the big potty. So we hauled out the training potty seat. I was hoping to avoid this, because, honestly, cleaning out the sucker is gross. And a pain. So much easier to do it directly where you want it, kwim?

So, the potty seat's been a hit. I plop her on it, put on SpongeBob, and wait. Unfortunately, this child has better bladder control than anyone I've ever seen.

Thus, I give you the following play, "Extortion by Two-Year-Old, in One Act":




SCENE: Living room. Toys are scattered everywhere. TV is blaring Winnie the Pooh, Classic Version.
Child sitting on potty seat, watching TV. Mother collapsed on couch, arm over eyes, trying to rest.

CHILD, who stands up, happy: "I diwd it, I diwd it!"

Mom gets up, looking in potty seat, sees five drops of urine. After weeks of no output, decides this is probably worth praising, and shrugs, then . . .

MOM: "Good job! High five!" (Child high-fives Mom.) "Okay, let's go get a jellybean! Great job!"

CHILD, who lusts after jellybeans: "I get bean bean?"

MOM: "Yup, great job! You get jellybeans for going potty in the potty! What color?"

CHILD: "Orwange."

Mom gives child jellybean from stash kept on high shelf. Both resume positions held previously, child on potty seat, happily chewing jellybean, mom collapsing on couch to get nap. Silence, held for about two minutes, then five seconds later:

CHILD: "I diwd it, I diwd it!"

Mom, looking in potty seat, sees five drops of urine. Decides to keep up positive reinforcement.

MOM: "Good job! High five!" (Child high-fives Mom.) "Okay, let's go get a jellybean! Great job!"

CHILD: "I get bean bean?"

MOM: "Yup, great job! You get jellybeans for going potty in the potty! What color?"

CHILD: "Bwue."

Mom gives child jellybean from stash kept on high shelf. Both resume positions held previously, child on potty seat, happily chewing jellybean, mom collapsing on couch to get nap. Silence, held for about two minutes, then five seconds later:

CHILD: "I diwd it, I diwd it!"

Mom, looking in potty seat, sees five drops of urine. Starting to sense she is being played, mom says lines in less enthusiasic voice:

MOM: "Good job! High five!" (Child high-fives Mom.) "Okay, let's go get a jellybean! Great job!"

CHILD: "I get bean bean?"

MOM: "Yup, great job! You get jellybeans for going potty in the potty! What color?"

CHILD: "yewwow."

Mom gives child jellybean from stash kept on high shelf. Both resume positions held previously, child on potty seat, happily chewing jellybean, mom collapsing on couch to get nap. Silence, held for about two minutes, then five seconds later:

CHILD: "I diwd it, I diwd it!"

Mom, looking in potty seat, sees five drops of urine. KNOWS she is being played, mom drags herself over to jellybean stash and says:

MOM: "Um, could we do more in the potty next time? You might get more jellybeans."

Child considers, then shakes head:

CHILD: "I cawn't do it."

And scene.

Yup. That's pretty much how it's been going, though we've convinced her that for five jellybeans, she can give up most of the um, product, she's withholding.